


Everything I Wanted to Say

by aflawedfashion



Series: You Always Come Back (Nolanda Reunion Fics) [2]
Category: Defiance (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Post-Series, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-20 23:30:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15544608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aflawedfashion/pseuds/aflawedfashion
Summary: As the town celebrates the arch in Nolan's honor, Amanda stands alone, grieving his loss, not knowing that he would return to her sooner than she ever expected.





	Everything I Wanted to Say

Amanda dropped into her office chair, her nerves shattering into a million jagged pieces. Cheerful voices taunted her from the street below as the entire town celebrated at the funeral of the man she loved, the man she needed, the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Her loss. Their triumph. They even dedicated their arch to him.

The St. Louis Arch was once a symbol of hope and survival that Amanda believed would tower over Defiance for the rest of her life. She relied on its strength to inspire her in moments of pain and weakness. If it could survive terraforming, she could survive a searing headache as she picked herself up off the floor after Stahma Tarr slammed her head into her desk.

Never, not even in her nightmares, had she imagined looking out her window at the broken remnants of the arch that bore the name of her missing lover. Her source of strength had transformed into a reminder that everything was temporary and everyone she loved died.

She wanted to scream. She wanted to break things. But she couldn’t do anything while trapped in her office where no one could see her grieve. She was the mayor of Defiance, the one person who needed to stay strong for everyone else. The arch could fall, but Amanda Rosewater could not, _would not_ fall.

With an unsteady hand, she grabbed a glass of scotch, gulping it down in hopes the alcohol could dull the pain, but it did nothing. No sting, no comfort, no taste. She was alone, the list of people she’d loved and lost now longer than her list of living friends.

She slammed the glass against her desk and pushed the loose strands of hair away from her face. Music started blaring from the square, a triumphant melody that burned at Amanda’s ears. She bolted out of her chair, yanking the curtains closed with such force they nearly flew off their hinges.

 _One. Two. Three._ _Fuck counting to ten. Fuck trying to handle her pain like she wasn’t a hopeless addict._ She poured another glass of scotch. It was her best friend, her savior. It would help her forget those taunting voices, but it wasn’t her only friend.

Amanda bit her lip. Samir had given her painkillers after her injury that were so strong, so addictive that Doc Yewll never would have allowed her in the same room as them. Samir was naive, unaware of how serious her “history of addiction” was. The drugs he gave her could numb her pain and put her to sleep with a smile.

 _No_ . _Not now. Not ever._ Amanda took a deep breath, straightening her shoulders as she paced around her office. She clutched her scotch in her hand like a bird holding its prey. This couldn’t be like Kenya. She couldn’t let herself fall that low ever again. She would stick to the addiction she knew that she could control.

Amanda downed her scotch and discarded the glass before sinking into her sofa with her eyes closed. If she could just sleep away this night, then everything would be ok. By morning, the party would be over, and she’d have her job to occupy her mind. She wouldn’t think about that arch. She wouldn’t think about Nolan. She couldn’t afford to. No grieving in public.

But that was tomorrow. Tonight, he was all she could think about, their last moments together replaying in her mind like a horror show of regrets. “I should have told you how much I loved you, not as my best friend, but as the person I wanted to spend my life with,” she mumbled to herself.

“I wanted you to,” Nolan responded. “As soon as I left, I wished I hadn’t let you stop me from saying everything I wanted to say.”

“Fuck,” Amanda said through a pained laugh. “I thought I’d have to take the good drugs before I’d start hearing voices in my head.”

“You’re not hearing voices in your head,” Nolan said, his familiar footsteps approaching her. “Well, not unless I’m deader than I think I am.”

She opened her eyes and bolted upright, blinking rapidly as her brain struggled to make sense of what she was seeing. “How?” she asked through a breath.

“Time travel.” Nolan knelt in front of her, flashing a cocky yet nervous smile. “It’s a long, absurd story, but we came home - me, Doc, the Omec. We’re all here.”

“Time travel?” Amanda let out a single gasping laugh, tears pooling in her eyes. “Are you fucking with me right now?”

“No.” He rested his warm hand on her knee. “The night we left, we blasted ourselves through a wormhole and landed in the middle of the Pale Wars. You wouldn't believe what I’ve seen. I hardly believe it myself.” He slowly shook his head, a million unanswered questions flashing across his face. “I half feared that Doc and I had fucked up everything in the past so horribly that I’d return home to find I’d never adopted Irisa, and you didn’t even know my name.”

“Oh, Charlie,” Amanda teased. “I could never forget you.” It had been too long since she’d had the energy to make a joke, but looking into the bright blue eyes of her lover she had feared was dead reminded her what happiness felt like, and she couldn’t resist.

Nolan laughed before a hint of genuine doubt crossed his face. “You’re joking, right?”

“Joking about what?”

“Amanda.”

She leaned forward, running her hand through his hair, letting him stew in his nervousness just long enough for her heart to stop racing and his to start. “Of course I’m joking.”

Nolan smiled, his shoulders relaxing as he wrapped a strong arm around her back and pulled their bodies together. He brushed his lips gently across hers, pausing as her thumb caressed his jaw.

“What?” Amanda whispered, her eyes searching his face.

“If you could just say my name,” Nolan said, “just one time - a little confirmation that I didn’t fuck up my entire life would really help me out here.”

Amanda nodded, the smile on her face growing wider than she could have imagined possible. “I love you, Joshua Nolan.”

“And I love you, Amanda Rosewater.”

**Author's Note:**

> [Word of God](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WordOfGod) says that Nolan and Doc Yewll time traveled into the past at the end of season 3, and we would have seen them and the Omec land in the Pale Wars at the start of season 4. I don't usually take Word of God statements as 100% canon (I feel very free to ignore them if I choose to), but they were useful for this fic and that's where I took all those elements from. Also, I figure with time travel on his side, Nolan doesn't have to be away from Amanda for long at all. I can let them be happy together!


End file.
